09Oh how I love the quick fix! If there is a problem there usually is a quick fix. Problems seem to show up in everyone’s life regardless of you station in life or where on the planet you live. It seems funny but we all dream of that perfect vacation that is trouble free and perfect weather. Have you noticed that dreaming of a vacation is always so much better then reality? I always fall for that same stupid thing that with enough planning, things will go according to plan and there will not be any problems that steal our joy away.

Today I was humbled and completely frustrated with my lawn tractor. I decided that I needed to remove the deck and then clean thoroughly and then re-attach. It was a quick and easy thing to do in my mind. So getting it off was easy as I just needed to remove the belt and 5 cotter pins. No problem. Things went just I had imagined it. I thought since I had things well in had that I would remove the blades, sharpen them and then maybe paint the underside of the deck to keep it from rusting. Things went without a hitch. I mean why would they? I can do all things through……. Well you know the drill.

Well things took a turn for the worse. When I slid the deck under the tractor it seemed that if I got one thing to fit then the other place was not within reach of hooking it back up again. I had the deck on and off a dozen times as there was always something not lining up. Life does that to us sometimes. We have a plan and it does not come together for some crazy reason.

I did a personality test a week or two ago and it was strangely accurate. It usually lists the great strengths your personality has which makes a person puff up and say, Yes that is me and I’m proud of it…. I humbly submit. Now it did have a downside and I quote “Independent to a Fault – ENFPs loathe being micromanaged and restrained by heavy-handed rules – they want to be seen as highly independent masters of their own fates. I have friends who are quite skilled in areas where I am weak but do I readily call on them for help? No. I cannot swallow that problem solving ( that I pride myself in ) in certain areas of life cannot be done independently. I still am convince that I just need to think it all over again and I will figure out what has gone wrong.

Oddly enough I struggle with my identity as I feel that my value has just decreased with this failure. I find myself withdrawing from both man and God. I look towards heaven with this scowl on my face as if this is God’s fault for not giving me the necessary talents to deal with things. Hello!!! I need help please. And I say that out loud when I really mean “ This is Your fault for not equipping me to be self- sufficient!” And there it is. I want to be able to meet every challenge with success and really need nobody including God. It is only when I run into a wall that I discover what is really going on in my heart. There is still that junk that wants me to be empowered to be God of my world.

And so ends a day of frustration as I try and form my world to my liking, but yet fail to do so once again. I am so glad that my heavenly Dad does not always give me what I want or I would be utterly doomed. I am aware of my weaknesses but rather then let God move through them I cover them up and try and fix them so they are not weak anymore. Obstacles, walls and frustrations come to us all but they are not here as joy stealers but rather checkpoints to stop running and see where we are and how we are doing. My reaction to a problem reveals exactly how I am doing. With the diagnostic check now done on my heart I find that I do need some maintenance and so I need to stop and allow the Holy Spirit get things sorted out with me. He’s the best repairperson around and I love Him dearly. All I need to do now is open the hood and allow Him access to wherever He wants to go. And as I quiet myself and wait for help I realize that I cannot run even my little world or so I find myself……Just Thinking.


Inward Discovery

IMG_0112Well it seems like I am in a classroom of late. Everyday I receive a new lesson from Him, which is great, other then it exposes so many things that I haven’t yet grasped. I am reading a book about the third member of the Trinity ( Holy Spirit ) and it has stirred up all kinds of good things to this point. It hasn’t been the clever insights of a person that has grabbed me but rather the scriptural references that I have actually taken the time to read and ponder before moving on. Sometimes I think that I grab hold of truths I discover and shove them in my knowledge sack and keep moving. There the truths remain until the hole tears in my sack and they are lost. It’s kind of like storing up food but never eating so I starve to death in my abundance.

So this morning as I am reading the author speaks about spiritual discernment and gives this example. A certain place had an outpouring and people flocked to that place. There were all kinds of manifestations like barking like a dog and other strange things. Then she questioned whether it was really a move of God or were the leaders all caught up in something else. The author however being a person of discernment wasn’t buying into it. I think I know the place that she is referring to. In my imagination I could picture this author sitting on her throne of great wisdom and casting her judgment from afar. I immediately felt anger rising quickly towards this person and rather then this person being a source of blessing they were now an enemy. My appreciation for them and frankly my trust in what they had help reveal to me through their study started down the drain.

I was so disappointed but tried to read on past this section. I could not get past this offense though. Everything I read including the scriptures that I had been so stirred with meant nothing. So I then ask the Holy Spirit for help because I was now stuck. New thoughts began to fill my mind and displaced the thoughts that produced the offense and anger. This person is not my enemy. This person is on her own journey with God calling her forward deeper into Him. She is my sister in truth and at this point we may not see things the same way her hearts desire is like mine. I realize that the anger that showed up in me was not so much what she wrote but it touched on a place in my own heart that is in bondage, like prison of wrong thoughts that actually has be bound in this area.

I am reminded now just what it is like to actively converse with my companion ( Holy Spirit ) and that He will ( as a really good friend will do ) expose some of “my truths” that are actually lies. He will lead myself and any one of us, further and faster, then any other way of learning, independent of Him. He truly is our teacher, our friend and the very breath of life for us here on the earth. If I am going to get to the root of this thing that is so poison in me I am going to have to co-operate fully with my friend regardless how scary it may looks and abdicate the throne of my heart and that is what I find myself…… Just Thinking

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