My mind has been sent on a journey by hearing a quote from a man who knew Jesus in his imperfect life here on earth. In my journey here on earth I have experienced many things. As a young person I grew up in a home where my parents worked hard and we had the things that most children had. We took trips to places and camped and got to see more then many of my friends. The odd thing though is that I never really felt loved at least not always. My parents told me that I was loved just like many of us, but I perceived that receiving love was very much based on how I was performing. How we perceive things like love is very important as it is laid at the foundation of who we are as a person. If this is something weak, distorted or missing then our lives are easily toppled when adversity comes our way.
Since my perception of love was that I was not receiving it I was very needy and tried to convince myself and others that I was strong and did not need to be loved. So this was the lie that I tried to live out but of course it can’t be done with any success. I met a girl who was both beautiful and seemed to fill that need for love that I had and so we married. During the marriage I was faced with many things that I managed to avoid as a single person. With my many insecurities being challenged on a regular basis I became frustrated at every turn. I could no longer stay hidden and saw that I was failing as a husband and father. We had three beautiful children but again I felt I had nothing to offer as a parent and hoped that my wife could cover all those bases. Well divorce finally arrived at our home and my wife left with the children and I was now alone again.
Being alone allows time for reflection and I now was doing plenty of it. When I realized that being alone was a permanent situation I wanted to die. If I had not feared going to hell ( which may not be truth ) I would have done so. I remember one day in I was in the basement sweeping the floor getting ready to move out when I noticed a presence with me. I realized that God had not left me despite my many failures and wrong doings. I spoke out loud and asked Him why He was here when no one else wanted to be with me. I never heard an answer but really felt that He still loved me which seemed silly as I sure didn’t love me.
Well as I had mentioned earlier this need to feel loved was still very much in me so I started to seek out Jesus more as He had something I needed. Not only that but He had seen the worst of me and was still here and ready to love. How could I toss that aside. I was going to church more regularly but discovered that church and personal relationship were two different things. Church was me building friendships with others who had made Jesus a “ something” in their lives. As people we are in a constant state of change and so is our status with Jesus. Perhaps we will have a Christian Social Media site that with have “ Present status with Jesus”. In a public setting like church it was hard for me to receive love as I really didn’t believe people when They said that they loved me. I actually cringed when I heard the words and thought ” oh sure you do”, kind of like saying “ I love beer”. Perhaps it was this that kept me close to Jesus as He was my only source of love. I believed Him and trusted Him and so I could receive love. People I really didn’t trust and my heart was quite guarded from them.
Jesus began to teach me by His Spirit on a regular basis and we were like best friends. If I went to slander my wife to Him He would not hear of it. After I time I just stopped doing it as it was something He would never listen to. He did day to me “ She is not here to teach but you are so let’s work on you”. After a bit there came a change in me that I opened the door to my heart to a select few people. I started to visit a family who always appeared glad to see me. They too loved the Lord and really loved to see what He had to say in the bible. After a time another home open up and I felt like I was a part of their family as well.
I had migrated to a small church and I found the people to be like my real family. I so enjoyed them. It was a wonderful experience and I grew all the more as I was in good ground. Life began to expand and hope returned that life would be worth living. The kids came over on weekends and my friends would love on them which was such a blessing. Things had drastically changed since that day in the basement. He had found me and taken me from the depths of despair to the High Places where things are so bright and the air so invigorating. He even taught me so things about marriage and then brought me a wife that was more than I could have asked or hoped for.
Well I have traveled many miles since then and God has always had a home or two with people who loved me ( and now my wife ) and a place where I am loved for the person I am right now. In order to be truly free I must be open to receive love from my friends, family and strangers and there needs to be a dedicated love supply line attached to God when all three of them pour into you. I have such a line and mine has a valve on it which I control. I have made the mistake of cutting it back to near off when things happened that shook my trust in Them. Without that love flowing into my love tank I began to fall back into things like environmental control, self-protection and became a guarded person again as fear replaced love and lies became plausible. The wrench that opens the valve controlling God’s love is called trust. I couldn’t seem to find that wrench for a time.
This world and the dark ruler in it are trying to sever the line of love from God to every one of us at every moment of every day. He has more counterfeits for true love then there are hairs on my…. well my wife’s head. Much like Donald Trump’s solution of building a wall to create safety and protection I concluded that the same method would stop pain. I built one quietly around my heart thinking I was now protected when in fact I was now a prisoner. The most important thing in our lives is the ability to receive God’s love. Without His love we are empty vessels with many cracks and very unhappy. We often take solace in the fact that the majority of people are using one of those many counterfeits that the devil supplies.Then he convinces us what he offers is all there is. “Everyone is doing this so it must be right!” It isn’t! Freedom comes from knowing you are loved just as you are and that is what I find myself……… Just Thinking